Today is BLISS! Because today I am healthy, I feel great and I have energy. However, the previous 3 days were definitely not bliss. There are so many days that life is "normal" now, that it's easy for me to forget what it was like to be in the throws of an AI (Autoimmune Disease) on a nearly. daily. basis.
See, AI is not one of these things that is easy to empathize unless you have one too. It's hard for people to understand because, no, I am not in the hospital, nor do I have a cast on my arm with fun signatures and graffiti. There are no stitches, or bandages which lead to inadvertent hair waxing. None of it. Instead, I appear on the outside just like I do any other day. This is why its hard for people to understand what I am going through when I have bad AI days.
Some of you might be thinking, "well how bad does this really get?" When I get really bad AI days, I disconnect from everything. I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, and I much prefer the cold, dark room with no movement and no noise. It's sort of like a really really bad hangover, yet I rarely drink, coupled with a bad case of the flu, and a migraine headache all at once. sort of.
I ache in my eyebrows - who does that?!‽ (and yes Liz if you read this, that is indeed an interrobang!), I can't remember Eve from Adam let alone what I just told you 5 minutes ago, and even though I know I need to eat and nourish my body, food feels like poison. Sleeping is desperately wanted, hard to get but my only known remedy. That and bone broth, but that is another blog post for another day.
As much as I am so thankful for a job that allows me to be flexible and work on my own terms, life and job demands still happen. So as much as I can, I postpone. I clear my schedule and move things forward so I can stay in my safe place (that cold, dark and quiet room I talked about earlier). But I still have to face the world feeling like this and for that, I tap into my adrenal glands for a shot of adrenaline. It's not the healthiest, but the only thing that gets me through those few hours for that one commitment that couldn't be moved. But when I get home, I crash and its not unheard of me to sleep for a 12-14 hours stretch even though I had my consistent 8 hours for months prior.
Its hard for me to remember that 3 years ago, this was my life for 5, sometimes 6, days out of every week. I really could not function. What changed, you ask? Just about everything in my life had to change to get me to heal and feel better. That is what this blog is about. Forthcoming, I'll be writing about which changes made a difference, the help that I sought from others, and my epiphanies along the way.
But today, I felt like a super-hero. I skipped to work (okay it wasn't that far, I work from home so kitchen to office was not a marathon distance), I was able to tell people I love them, played with the dog on our walk, and enjoyed the sunshine (go Vitamin D machine!) and reveled in how blissful it is to be normal today!